Sunday, November 06, 2005


Life's like a rollercoaster. I think, I've never really been on one, have I? Which supposedly was a problem...

I miss her so much right now. Big lump in my stomach, heart and behind my eyes that's killing me. Slowly. It's not the right thing to do, but I want to talk to her. To give me happiness for a few minutes. But it prolongs the suffering. "A mass of conflicting impulses." That's how Nomad described Uhura, and Spock countered with "she's a woman". I'm not a woman but it sure fits me right now. See how nerdy I am. I guess that's a problem too.

What really hurts is that I was judged not by who I am but what I do, or don't. Or maybe that's just fair. No what really hurts is the feeling of not being able to do jack shit about the situation. My only choice is basically to forget and move on. But how the hell does one do that? It's the last thing I want.

I had a dream about him last night. My former best friend. For those out of the loop: My girlfriend left me for my best friend. That so rocks, man! ... We were playing some kind of game and we were getting along and having fun. Her mother was there to saying something, I can't remember what now. Dunno what this means. Should I try to recover the friendship? It sure seems like he doesn't care about it at all. I have no idea what he feels at all. None. Does he love her?

Opens ICQ. There she is. Close ICQ. Open ICQ. There she is. Check her NA message. It's empty. Close ICQ. Open ICQ. There she is. Double click her. Close her window. Close ICQ. Repeat. Damn.

Tried to play some WoW. Couldn't focus.

The party on Friday was somewhat painful. She looked so beautiful. But I'm also happy I wasn't involved in creating any scenes or arguments. There seemed to be something related to me going on, but I wasn't involved. And now maybe it wasn't a big deal anymore. That really irks me though, to have something going on related to me but not knowing anything about it.

Her sister said she missed me and she even cried. That really meant a lot to me. But then she went on to have fun with him. (My ex-friend... duh!) So I guess it was the alcohol and no true loyalty. Hell I don't know. I wish things were black and white, good and evil. That there were clear sides. Of course there never is. But the greyness sure puts me in an awful situation.

I have no idea how to end this rant.


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